yesterday

Didn't go so well. Eating was fabulous, but when I couldn't turn to food, I turned to wine... I guess this means I don't cope with my problems very well. I am having a lot of problems at work (laid off one week, called back the next, having pay docked if a project takes me too long... very bad for my health). I don't want to quit, but I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I am obviously not coping with the problems very well if I must turn to something to get me through the time. I did write last night- felt a blip of inspiration, but now today I feel kind of nuts about what I wrote. couldn't possibly share it with anyone at this point. Very raw. I did have a kind of revelation, though- that I used to be able to put my mind to anything, and I would accomplish it. When did I lose this? Why don't I do this anymore? Why don't I put anything into my goals anymore? I feel like such a failure. I had such potential to do anything I wanted or be anything I wanted and now I just stagnant. Not accomplishing anything and always blaming my circumstances for things. I guess I have let myself become a victim of my circumstances instead of triumphing over them. I can't allow people to treat me badly, and noone can get me out of this situation except for me. I need to deal with it straight on, and not wiggle around. If my boss asks me to do something tomorrow and says she is not going to pay me for it, I need to refuse. I have such irrational fears about this- I fear that she will sue me or something. I view getting sued as such a terrible thing to go through. I don't ever want to have to deal with that. It terrifies me. I don't care about a bad reference, and maybe I am overreacting right now, and she will be kind to me. I am just so upset I can hardly stand it. I want to just run away and not deal with it.