not doing so hot

again, another failure. binged today, even after having a 5 mile run yesterday. I am trying to become more aware of what I eat on my binges... and even before my binges to determine what trigger foods and feelings there are. First of all, I did not get enough sleep last night, so I think that was definitely a trigger. Second of all, I ate some chips this morning, and then a bratwurst for lunch, so I guess I resigned to myself that the day was already shot, so I may as well keep eating. The embarassing part is that my husband will notice the food is missing, and he will say, "who ate my icecream" like he doesn't know it was me. Who does he think it was, the cat?

So I can't do anything to reverse my binge, I just have to learn from it. So I have learned that the following things are trigger/binge foods for me:

chocolate
ice cream
chips
pizza
sausages (brats, hot dogs, et al)
ice cream
ice cream
ice cream
wine
beer


sigh... basically everything yummy. But I want to get better. I know I will get out of my attempt to recover what I put into it, so I need to really evaluate what I am doing

When I binge, I become irratible, mean, short tempered, I have headaches, stomachaches, indigestion, sort throat, and heartburn.

I cannot keep doing this. It is unhealthy and I am risking my health. I need to commit to a healthy lifestyle that does not revolve around food - where food is used solely for nourishment and not as a drug to make me feel better. Where food will give me energy to do the things I want to do, and not diminish my ability to do them.

yesterday

Didn't go so well. Eating was fabulous, but when I couldn't turn to food, I turned to wine... I guess this means I don't cope with my problems very well. I am having a lot of problems at work (laid off one week, called back the next, having pay docked if a project takes me too long... very bad for my health). I don't want to quit, but I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I am obviously not coping with the problems very well if I must turn to something to get me through the time. I did write last night- felt a blip of inspiration, but now today I feel kind of nuts about what I wrote. couldn't possibly share it with anyone at this point. Very raw. I did have a kind of revelation, though- that I used to be able to put my mind to anything, and I would accomplish it. When did I lose this? Why don't I do this anymore? Why don't I put anything into my goals anymore? I feel like such a failure. I had such potential to do anything I wanted or be anything I wanted and now I just stagnant. Not accomplishing anything and always blaming my circumstances for things. I guess I have let myself become a victim of my circumstances instead of triumphing over them. I can't allow people to treat me badly, and noone can get me out of this situation except for me. I need to deal with it straight on, and not wiggle around. If my boss asks me to do something tomorrow and says she is not going to pay me for it, I need to refuse. I have such irrational fears about this- I fear that she will sue me or something. I view getting sued as such a terrible thing to go through. I don't ever want to have to deal with that. It terrifies me. I don't care about a bad reference, and maybe I am overreacting right now, and she will be kind to me. I am just so upset I can hardly stand it. I want to just run away and not deal with it.

a "dry run"

... or epic fail, depending on how you look at it, I suppose. It is mothers day, so obviously, sticking to a diet was not in the cards. I did, however, walk 20 minutes in the morning, and do 30 day shred, so I kept up with the workout part of the bargain. But, diet is so key to weight loss, so I know that really needs work.

I do want to recognize my diet success for today, though- even after a disgustingly filling brunch buffet with the inlaws where I ate too much, I did manage to just order chicken curry soup for dinner with my parents instead of my usual favorite pad thai. One small step begins the journey!

its been a while...

I thought about starting a new blog to track my progress on a new weight loss program, but I figured I may as well just use this address that I already have tracked some previous planning on.

I have been reading that Bob Greene book- I know, pretty chessy, but I figured I will give this another shot--- make myself a promise that I cannot compromise on. I promise myself that for the next 30 days, I will make a commitment to myself to follow the following exercise plan:

1: 2o minutes of high intensity interval training 6 days a week
2: serious weight training for 30 minutes 2 times per week
3: no alcohol for any reason whatsoever- no matter the occasion
4: no white flour
5: no sugar

Yikes... did I really just decide to do this?

So, I will blog about my progress on this plan to try to keep myself honest.